I never intended this journey of mine to read like some sort of Biography. And While I need to explain how I opened my own self-awareness and how I found myself upon my path, I’m still a very private person.
The Journey of discovery first starts with oneself.
And to find oneself, sometimes you have to lose yourself if only for a little while in order to find yourself again. I did that too…. Many years later experiencing A nervous breakdown… through stress, over work, juggling career, family, guilt, inadequacies, rejection from my Mother, a whole range of emotions..
I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.. the feelings of isolation, sorrow remorse, guilt, panic attacks, all rolled into one big ball, making me a twitching blubbering emotional wreck as my limbs literally would shake taking on a life of their own as I tussled with myself over the years of working through guilt while my children were small…Feeling I wasn’t a good Mother as my own Mother who now had been one of the triggers rejected me which resulted in her not speaking for 10 years despite many efforts to begin with to heal the rift.
I came to understand I was only hurting myself even more by trying to mend that bridge which had grown ever wider, only to find another door of rejection slammed in my face each time I tried, which would bring on more hurts and more wounds which needed inner healing. The last time I tried she ran in the opposite direction and 5 months later she had died, the rift never having been mended. Which again led to more healing work.
It was during that time of my nervous breakdown that my real journey of self began.. when I asked the question..
WHO am I?
It matters not what caused my breakdown, but it was how I recovered that is important..
The journey of Self discovery led me to understand that we are more than our Bodies, that in fact our Minds create many of our problems through our emotional body. which affects our Physical Bodies causing our Dis-ease with life, resulting in our illnesses..
It was then I was introduced to a book by Louise Hay You Can Heal Your Life, I took to saying affirmations which were put upon my mirror and fridge everywhere where I could remind myself I was a worthy being who needed to love myself.
Healing one’s self is never easy.. and as I explored the Inner Me, I understood that throughout my early childhood I had never really felt loved and in fact I didn’t really love me..
As I explored my re-occurring illnesses that had dogged me all my life.. the Depression from my early teens, the severe Migraine attacks that would leave me bed bound in a darkened room, the constant Cystitis infections that eventually needed an operation to put right .. All these illnesses had been telling me something.. Even later on as various aches and pains took their toll from Raynaud’s Disease which at one point was so severe even the temperature change from one room to the next would trigger a painful reaction in my fingers.
My Career path had led me from sewing machinist working on piece work rates, on a production line and for those never working in a factory,’piece-work’ meant you only took home what you made, so the faster you worked the more you took home in pay.. I worked hard, and worked my way up to become sample machinist working with designers in the manufacturing Industry to become head of Training over a period of 18 years. The climb wasn’t easy..
I would not only be in charge of first production samples overseeing first production lines but also be responsible for quality, recruitment, the Training School, Time and Motion Study/Method Technology improving Methods and Quality. I could sit and sew and show others every Machine operation going in the manufacture of garments within the industry we were in. I would often stand with stop watch, but I earned the factory girls respect as I would never ask anyone to do what I couldn’t prove I could do myself and would happily sit and show them and time myself just to prove it was possible… And yes I could keep that pace up for most of the day helping to get production moving if an urgent order was required to be out on time.
So when every thing went Upside down my life did ‘break-down’, it hit doubly hard as I had always felt in charge and in control.. and to be left feeling this blubbering wreck was something alien..
But it taught me I was More than my symptoms ..I started to see I could heal..And that the only one that could heal me was ME..
In the beginning I needed medical help, but I soon realised that Pills were not the answer.. And I swapped the Pills to Homeopathy, I didn’t just snap out of it.. I had lots of help from Family and friends, But even they couldn’t lift me up.. I was the one who needed to dig deep to the core of my illnesses, and that’s why Louise Hay’s Book helped me so much to see just what I had done and was doing to myself through the way I was thinking.
An important part of Waking up is that we wake up to ourselves.. and that we learn to stop blaming ourselves, To find ourselves we need to find our inner selves and understand you are neither Good nor Bad, you are simply you…
© Sue Dreamwalker – 2012 All rights reserved.
To Be continued……..